I went to Portnoy's pizza fest against my better judgement. Here's the review
Dave Portnoy is not my type of guy but this was my type of event
A few months ago, I was sitting around the dinner table with some of my idiot friends debating how many pieces of pizza we could eat in a day. If you’re just curious how much you can eat and you decide to test your limits — within reason — how many pieces of pizza could you eat? I think I answered eight slices; someone else said four, which I found absurdly low.
Anyway, it seems like Barstool Sports founder Dave Portnoy must have been sitting around having the same dumb conversation with his own respective gang of knuckleheads. A few weeks later, he announced that he would be hosting the first annual One Bite Pizza Festival, where he invited 35 of the pizzerias that scored highest in his pizza review series to Coney Island to make all-you-can-eat pies for his rabid fans.
To be clear, Portnoy — who has been accused of sexual misconduct and racism and has a generally abrasive and douchey public persona — is not quite my cup of tea. I bought my $200 ticket (yikes) to the One Bite Pizza Festival in spite of him being the host, and in full anticipation that it was going to be the worst event I’d ever attended. It seemed inconceivable to me that 35 of the most well-renowned pizzerias in America could recreate their iconic setups in the middle of a baseball stadium and then produce pizza up to their regular standards.
On Saturday it stormed, which felt like an omen. Portnoy pushed the start time of the event by an hour. My friend Nat and I dutifully put on several layers, stowed our umbrellas, and arrived at the stadium to a line that stretched all the way to the ocean (literally). The women behind us in line grumbled that the weather sucked and Portnoy was an asshole and a shmuck, but they loved pizza.
Once we were inside, the lines for the pizzerias were fast-moving. At some point, Portnoy got up on stage and said some incendiary things (more on this in the writeup I’ll publish today in BK Reader) and did a pretty lame job at the taste test game he invented for himself. However, his involvement aside, I had to admit that I was impressed by the quality of the pizza.
Here’s my definitive ranking of the ten slices I tried.
Angelo’s Pizzeria South Philly – The cheese was just right, the char was there, the pizza didn’t droop when you picked it up. Extra points for fresh basil and a sprinkling of parm.
Angelo’s Coal Oven Pizzeria – Yes, these are different places. Angelo’s Coal Oven uses my favorite type of cheese — fresh, low-moisture mozz that spreads out real evenly. It’s got that coal-oven char and it’s delightful.
Made in New York pizza Made in New York – Hear me out: Usually I don’t go for thick crust, but this slice was light and airy, with a crisp, crunchy bottom. The pepperoni was quality, too, which never hurts. Oiled up without being oily. Loved it.
Di Fara – You kinda want this Brooklyn giant to fail, especially after they made a t-shirt commemorating their 9.4 One Bite rating (chef Kenji Lopez-Alt certainly wants them to!), but this pizza is still good. Glad to see that they still got it despite the death of the patriarch (and ensuing rapid expansion).
Lucali’s – Usually Lucali’s blows me away, so maybe this was a fluke, but I thought this slice didn’t really bring that wow factor. Could’ve been cooked longer, and overly salty.
Zuppardi’s Apizza Zuppardi’s Apizza – There’s a reason Zuppardi’s doesn’t rank among the greats like Frank Pepe’s and Sally’s — it can’t hang. Didn’t even really feel coal-fired. If you had told me it was a New York slice, I would have believed you.
Baby Luc’s – There was this kid, maybe ten years old, working behind the counter who just kept screaming “PIZZA” in the face of everyone who came up to take a slice, so that was charming — but the pizza itself wasn’t worth writing home about. I liked that there were sprouts on top, but I’m sticking with parent restaurant Lucali’s.
Luigi’s – Sadly, Nat’s absolute favorite pizzeria in the world put on a pretty forgettable show. Good quality cheese but very droopy.
Lazzara’s Lazzara’s – I love the crust here — it’s got this thin, breakable thing going for it — but I can’t get behind the sauce. So, so sweet, like they’re mixing tomatoes with syrup.
Patsy’s Pizzeria – For some reason, Patsy’s was rolling with some mozzarella that had a smoky tinge to it, which is an absolute no-no in my book.
After acting out the ideal real-life version of our hypothetical scenario, I’ve come to a profoundly simple conclusion: I actually don’t think that humans ever need to have an all-you-can-eat supply of pizza. Turns out it’s true that you can have too much of a good thing — especially when the good thing is peddled by Dave Portnoy.
Philip Roth wrote Portnoy’s Complaint. Hannah Berman has now written the definitive Complaints About Portnoy.
this is so funny we need more of this